I met a friend for tea today and gave her some free coffee coupons I got from a cashier at Whole Foods.

It was nice to do that, but it didn’t feel like much of an offering. Driving home, I could feel my stomach and neck tensing as a migraine started to make itself known. I felt pissed off, scared, frustrated, and sad. I had plans to go to a party tonight, was excited about the weekend and all the things I wanted to do. And then the familiar signs of an impending headache came on and my mind got tighter and tenser as I imagined all those things disappearing and feared yet another weekend lying in bed feeling heartbroken and sorry for myself.

I was also frustrated that I hadn’t given more today and that my motivation feels like it’s waning. I heard myself saying that I should just go home and rest, but there was something that felt indulgent and depressing about that. And then I thought of Cami, the woman with MS who wrote a book about the 29 day giving challenge and who inspired this blog in the first place. I remembered reading that she had said that even though giving didn’t take away her pain, there was something about thinking of others that seemed to increase her threshold for handling it.

I was passing a shopping plaza on my way home and I thought, well, why don’t I stop and get a few little goodies for Simone and James’ stockings and then I can still go home and have my migraine and be pissed off.

First I went to the liquor store and picked out a small bottle of scotch for James, which I know he will love because it is his favorite thing in the world. Then I went to a coffee shop and got these really yummy honey candies for Simone. While I was there I realized I was right next to FedEx so I might as well do the errand that I needed to do there rather than putting it off until Monday — even though I reaalllllly love to put things off. And then I went to the pharmacy and got James some nice hand cream for his poor chapped cracked hands. For Simone, I found a tea ball so she doesn’t have to keep doing this weird and unwieldy thing with the tea strainer every morning. And then at the register, I saw some cute little chocolates that I picked up for each of them.

When I got home, my head was still kicking, but my mind felt more open and spacious. There was even a little bit of happiness in it: It was FUN shopping for them. It took my mind off my own pain. And it even helped me get some things done that I otherwise would have let sit for another several days and then stressed about.

So, thank you, Cami. Thank you for reminding me that no, giving isn’t going to cure all my health issues. But it is something I can do no matter what state I’m in. And it does open my mind. And it makes others feel so good. And remembering that I have something to offer even when I feel like a piece of shit, empowers me and reminds me that I’m not a victim. I’m not a helpless invalid even though some days I really feel like I am.

Writing this, I feel like I’m in AA or some kind of self-help workshop that involves affirmations. But I don’t care. It’s true that giving does something. And even though I’ll forget that and wake up maybe even tomorrow feeling tight-fisted, I’m gonna keep on doing it.

Oh, and you know, I got two really wonderful gifts today. The first was that when I came home, I found a beautiful postcard of Zoe from Noel and Katie that couldn’t possibly do anything other than put a smile on my face. And the second was that James was incredibly sweet about my head. He sat with me on the couch, listened while I talked about how bummed out I was to feel shitty, and even offered not to go to the party so he could stay home with me. And I knew that he meant it, that he really would do that for me. And just feeling his generosity and his open heart meant the world to me.