Ayayayay! Many days me no write. I am sorry, Blog, for my neglect. I fell off the writing wagon, but I am here now and ready to go.

Now I have to remember… Let’s see, on Wednesday, I gave to Karme Choling, a place I love, that was my home for a year and continues to be in many ways.

Yesterday, I sent some holiday cards and one was to Suzann, my MI, teacher, and friend while I lived there. Over the years, she has given me so much — in the form of time, teachings, love, discipline and support. I make the same mistakes over and over again and she loves me all the same, remains patient with me, helps me get back up and keep going, reminds me that I’m human.

Because she is the teacher and I am the student, I forget that I can give to her, that sending a card, calling her, asking how SHE is, are ways to offer my love to her. Sometimes, I think that hearing from me doesn’t matter because she is older and wiser and has throngs of adoring minions. But then I see how pernicious that doubt is when it creeps in, that the more I think I don’t matter, the less generous I am. And so I wrote. Nothing grand or deep. Just a card, asking how she is doing, telling her a little about me. Just sharing my life with her. And it felt good to say hi and to send my love, and to know that she will feel it when she opens the card.

Last night, I came home irritated with James – largely because he plays this stupid video game all the time and I want to throw the f’ing thing out the window. And I had some things that I wanted from him, things I thought he should give me that he hadn’t. After all, I am a princess, and I deserve THINGS!!! :) So, we sat down to talk and as I was thinking of all the things I wanted from him, something in me shifted and I found myself saying - and meaning it — “what do you want?” All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he shared some things with me that were very personal and tender and I realized, that there was a lot more going on with him, a lot more that he was needing than I could see when the veil of my own wanting was obscuring my view. It was hard to give up my own desires, but connecting with him in this way, offering to him, seeing how much it meant to him to be heard and held meant so much — far more than if I’d gotten what I thought I wanted.

Yesterday was also a day of insecurity. The Shambhala Center is collecting donations of gifts: money, food, clothes, and toys to give to Wounded Knee Reservation, a very poor community near Boulder. It’s been posted on Sangha announce, but a lot of people don’t get that and I thought it would be nice to send an email out to friends in order to let people know about an opportunity to give. I guess I was thinking about how lately I’ve been looking for ways to give and I thought others might appreciate knowing how they could too.

And then I got all insecure. Like, is it overbearing or pushy to send something like that? Will it make people feel bad if they can’t give or don’t want to? Will people be put off by it? Amazing how fast it could turn to being all about me.

Eventually, I decided to send it because I didn’t want my own doubt to get in the way of others giving and receiving – even if it affected just one person on that email list. But that doubt is resilient and it’s still kicking around in that ol’ mind of mine. There’s so much bound up in generosity, or what I think is generosity. Sometimes, I really can’t peel back all the cloudiness to understand what my motivation is. Maybe that’s ok. I tried it this way this time. I’m sure I’ll get some kind of feedback. I suppose that’s why it’s called practice. Oof.