I’m not sure if my gift yesterday was something I gave or something I got. I had to call this woman, Beverly, for work and I had a long list of things to do after. She’s an older sangha member whom I’ve never met and I was hoping the call would be short and to the point, or better yet, that she wouldn’t be there and I could leave a message. I love it when that happens…

But answer she did. Midway through my first sentence she said, “I’m almost deaf, I can’t hear anything you’re saying.” I asked her if it would be better to email her instead and she said yes.

As she gave me her email address, I recognized her name as someone who had recently sent out a tonglen request to sangha announce. I sent one out this week, too. My first ever. It was for my sister’s wife’s sister. Does that make sense? My sister-in-law’s sister who is in a very sad situation and currently in the hospital on a respirator and on dialysis.

Sending out my own announcement connected me with all the other folks sending out requests and to the sadness and tenderness that exists when you reach out for support. I keep learning anew that sangha isn’t an optional part of life, but an essential one. I received so many responses and so much love from people; it made me want to respond to others and reach out in the same way.

I’d written to Beverly, actually, and had done tonglen for her and her uncle who died this week that morning. So, we got to talking. About death—her uncle, Brooke’s sister, our own struggles to understand it, our fears, our sadness. And life—why we keep going, what we love, making art. It was so moving to connect with someone’s voice and to feel her heart through the phone lines (I wonder if that’s what 900 numbers are like?) and across generations. I wasn’t helping her and she wasn’t helping me. We were just two people connecting, exchanging, being human together.

It reminded me of the possibility that exists for connection, love, and joy when I open myself up to the world and offer what I’m normally too tight-fisted to give. I don’t find giving gifts that hard. I guess I was raised that way or something. But giving time, giving myself, that is where my miserliness feels quite untouchable. And giving to strangers or to people I judge, or maybe even more importantly, to people I don’t even see — that feels like the greatest challenge. I bought James a cupcake yesterday. A cupcake for my cupcake. But it felt effortless, easy, almost indulgent in some way. Giving my time and my heart to Beverly, that felt like true offering.

Today, I sent my sister, Perry, and her wife, Brooke, flowers. Brooke’s been in Florida with her sister Kristen for the past week. She gets home to California tomorrow and I wanted her to come home to something cheerful and to know that someone was thinking of her. I get shy about those things, especially with Brooke who in many ways I don’t know that well. I’m starting to see how my fear prevents me from giving. Feels good to notice that and do it anyway.