I am tired. and cranky. I want a bath, a movie, a warm house. I want this cold weather to be over and I don’t want to have to go out again today to go to a dharma talk.

Oh wait, sorry, I forgot this about GIVING. Well, giving, it turns out, is hard. Or maybe, giving isn’t hard in and of itself, but turning my mind in that direction is.

I had big plans today. Oh yes. Big plans. I practiced this morning and I felt so “good” because I cried during tonglen, thought of others, and resolved that I was going to write some letters to a few folks I know who’ve been having a hard time. I am SO magnanimous :)

And then, I got a headache and had a meeting and the cloud of crankiness descended in record speed. I went to acupuncture and then, even though I had the package of herbs for my mom IN MY CAR and 15 minutes left until the post office closed, which I was driving right by, I still decided to go home and make tea and sit on the couch, where I have remained since arriving here. Except when I got up to get snacks.

BUT… since it is the season to give, and since that’s what we’re doing here, and since I am in fact a person too, today I will give myself a big ol’ break. I am doing the best I can. This is hard. It is a practice. I am OUT of practice. And it is fucking cold outside!

I am going to give something else today - no, I am not going to go out to FedEx and overnight the herbs to my mom, even though that would be very grand and dramatic — I am going to write a letter to the widow of one of my dad’s close friends. I’ve been thinking about her and her kids and about how hard this time of year must be for them. I can imagine there must be loneliness, sadness, a million other things. I feel awkward writing the letter because I don’t know them well, but it’s not about me, right?

And I am going to go to this talk tonight even though I rrrrrreally want to stay home and watch 30 Rock. I think you’re right, Katie, it is about getting out of our comfort zones — that seems to be the crux of generosity. So, I’m going to the talk, which is about teaching. And I want to teach because I actually want to help others and I think that offering knowledge, information, and experience is tremendously generous.

And then I’ll come home and watch 30 Rock :)