Blarg! It’s all over. 29 days, done.

And, a new decade around the corner, to boot.

I have been avoiding doing this final post, kind of like one avoids saying goodbye; I just know it’s going to be inadequate and anticlimactic. But, I will be mature and do it anyway, because this project has been awesome and I want to end it properly. I am sure that Jill would agree, but alas, she is in Hawaii. Oh man. Hope she’s having fun.

I know that we have gone out more with a whimper than a bang, as we both have missed posting a bunch of days, and sometimes have posted really brief things. But… I don’t think either of us has actually neglected to give something any of these 29 days. So, that spells success, ladies and gents.

Except, yesterday, the 29th day… I gave nothing to anyone. I know! Terrible!

As I laid in bed after nursing Zoe to sleep, I realized that nothing I had done all day could qualify. I realized also that I did not want to give to a charity online.

I had been thinking about the Buddhist practice of giving from one hand to the other, as the first baby step in developing generosity. They say that if you have trouble extending to others, you should just start with this.

So, what I did was, I took a tube of chap stick, in the dark, and passed it between my two hands. I said to myself, “Here you go.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Here you go.”

“Oh, thank you.”

Giving and receiving, back and forth. This felt a bit silly, and a bit confusing — Wait, who’s giving? Who’s receiving? — But, I felt glad to mark the end of this project, and to reflect on generosity as a practice.

This project has given my days much more purpose and direction; even when I felt really down and constricted, I always found a gap in me that was willing to give.  Many times throughout this month I have felt that I could give so much more… that there were so many people with unmet needs. I guess that’s just what you see when you’re open to seeing it.

I am so grateful to have done this, to Jill for instigating it, and to everyone in my life who has given me so very much. I think generosity is a whole way of life, full of great joy and power, and that I am just a beginner.

Katie Day 28: I love this organization and the art/people they empower. And I love art. And people. And cities. And thinking. In giving to Creative Time I feel a bit more connected to these passions of mine.

I gave my mom an apology for the many years of my young life that I was mean to her. The apology was not as dramatic as it might sound… we have talked it over many times now. But I just realized that I never actually said, “Sorry.” So I did that. And she said, “Oh, it’s okay. You had to do that and I’m glad you did.”

And I left a little note under her pillow that said thank you.

Not much to say about this story except: read it! And help out if you can, even just with your good wishes.

This story was one of the reasons I agreed to do this giving blog in the first place. Jill and I wanted to cook for her, but haven’t been able to schedule it yet. Hopefully we still will, post-blog.

Anyway, I finally gave a bit of money to her today. Just a drop in an ocean, but better than none.

It was Christmas. Like, three days ago. Oops.

And this was what was under our tree. Not true.

What is true: I have an amazing family and I feel so grateful for them these days. My mom came to town for the holiday and it was great that she did. She, my two brothers, my cousin, Zoe, Noel and I had a grand old time… but my mom was the lynch pin of the whole operation — Santa Claus incarnate… or Santa Christ, as my (Jewish) (beloved) cousin calls him.

Oh, and the giving. Yes, that. I gave people presents which I think they really liked. And they gave me presents. And presents came from out of town. And our Christmas tree gained ornaments.

And I think I may have had some visions of sugarplums.

It was a lovely time. Generosity abounded, with just a pinch of holiday overwhelm (i.e. I can’t…eat…more…cake). Mostly it was just really lovely for everyone involved. Happy days.

It’s Christmas and even though giving and receiving is what we do at this time, it still feels so special.

I thought it would be a no-brainer to give yesterday, I didn’t end up doing anything until late at night when I wrote a card to a friend I haven’t seen in a long time. And then I wrote to my grandparents, and then I did a bunch of things I’d been meaning to do for a while like pay bills. I like how once you start stretching, it gets easier to keep going.

I was out all day and when I got home, a friend had left me a beautiful turquoise scarf on my doorstep.

Today was my first Christmas ever! And although I had a migraine, it was still fun and cheerful in many ways and I loved getting to celebrate with James. I gave him a camera that he can take to India. I got an orchid for his dad and stepmom and an amaryllis for his grandmother. And I received the most wonderful, thoughtful gifts. James gave me almost everything I need for my Werma shrine, which was incredibly thoughtful and something I’d been needing to do for a while that I wasn’t going to get around to any time soon (which James knew of course :). His dad and Nina gave me a beautiful calligraphy set. His mom wrote me a sweet sweet note and gave me a cool water bottle — because she wants me to be healthy, James said. And his grandmother gave me a framed picture of little James at probably age 4, which of course, made me cry.

The gifts were wonderful, but what meant much more to me was feeling like, in some small way, I’m part of their family.

Oh, and our mailman wrote us a beautiful card and gave us a candle to say happy holidays.

Oh man, Katie, your post about the necklace was so beautiful. Ayayayay! Thanks.

I’m not gonna lie: I felt like shit today.  Some days I have some perspective on the migraines and the fatigue and the aches and the chemical sensitivity. And other days, I am paralyzed by fear and worry and anger and I can’t see beyond that.

When I woke up this morning, I had big plans to buy James’ parents some Christmas gifts, to write a card to my neighbor, to buy something sweet for a friend. But by the time noon rolled around, my head was pounding and it was all I could do not to get in bed and cry for the rest of the day.

I really thought I might do that and then, at a certain point, I found myself getting up, shoveling the snow off the car, and going out to do some errands. I didn’t buy anything for anyone—just some groceries and stuff at the drugstore. But I felt proud of myself — small as it may seem — that I did get up, that I did get out the door. Even if only for a bit.

It felt like giving in some way; generous to take care of myself, to say, ok, now I’m going to stand up straight and put one foot in front of the other and treat myself with some respect — and kindness.

When I got home, James was here. And as soon as I saw him, all I wanted to do was cry and whine and tell him how shitty I felt and have him make it better. Amazing how alive and well the 6-year old in me is… And, admittedly, I did do that. And once again, at a certain point, I realized that it wasn’t helpful. Not to me and not to James. So — and this was harrrrrd — I stood up, wiped the tears, and went into my bedroom. And it didn’t feel like suppression or sulking. It just felt like some realization that this is hard for him too, that he gives a lot, and that maybe I could give him a break.

And then, five minutes later, he knocked on the door and said, “can I come cuddle with you?” And that felt so generous and so kind. Such a revelation to see that when I give him space to be himself rather than telling him “I need this, or you don’t x,y,z” then there is actually room for him to offer in a way that is genuine and heartfelt. And he has so much to offer.

I have been wanting to get a gift for a friend for the past week. I wanted to pick out something special that she would really love, but that just wasn’t in the cards today. So, I went on the interwebs and I ordered something for her. And it feels lame to order a gift — impersonal, I guess. But it was what I could offer tonight and I hope that when she gets it, at the very least, it’ll make her smile and she’ll know that I was thinking of her.

Sometimes it seems the greatest and hardest thing we can give is ourselves a break.

Noel and I journeyed out into the snow in the late afternoon to buy my mom a present. I was feeling profoundly tired, but relaxed and in good spirits. We went to Barnes and Noble, and found what I think is a perfect gift rather quickly. Then we went to the overpriced cafe section and split an “apple purse,” a delicious pastry that I had never heard of before, and a root beer. On our way out we passed a table that was wrapping gifts for people for donations to The Boulder County Aids Project. Alright! Donate. Done.

So simple and so quick, but it felt good. On the way out I opened the door for a bunch of people, which also felt good, and then I looked back into the window of the bookstore and saw this book staring back at me:

I don’t want to sound like The Secret, but there is definitely something to the idea that what you focus on and put energy into makes itself more apparent to you. It seems that way to me, anyway.

I looked up the reviews on my old friend Amazon, and I am actually interested in this book:

Not a coffee table book. Not a “be nice” sermon from the land of the bodhisattvas.

This book is a rigorous argument, based on the history of European ideas and psychoanalytical doctrine, that we fail to recognize and value intelligently one of life’s greatest pleasures: generosity. It goes deep into the the scientific and political sources of our contemporary confusion and unhappiness.

The authors explain brilliantly how misunderstanding the paradoxical relation between kindness and hatred contributes to our chronic ambivalence toward other people and hence our inability to choose our actions well.

Beautifully written and succinct: the sort of book you finish in an afternoon and will definitely read again.

I might have to read it.

I like kindness. I like giving to others. And not because it’s nice or because it makes me feel like a good girl scout, but because it makes infinitely more sense than being a curmudgeon. I know this from experience!

Yes, today we gave people cookies. Cookies, cookies, cookies. They looked so pretty, like you woulda paid for those cookies, I swear. And they were tasty too. But this is not news.

The news is that I had a total klesha attack today. In the Buddhist world, this basically means that I was losing my shit. It is embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. I was feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed and phenomenally pissed off. Most of this was internal, because that’s kind of how I roll, but having a family means that I can only be so successful in keeping my feelings to myself. What a practice of self confrontation, to have people to be accountable to all the time! And, I guess, of giving as well. Sharing.

Noel wrapped my presents today and there were two medium-sized ones. I asked for a couple of things, but there was one thing that I asked for that I really, really wanted. It wasn’t expensive, but it meant a lot to me, and it meant a lot that he gave it to me — not someone else. This thing: a little gold necklace with a bright blue chalcedony bead and ZOE stamped into a tiny gold disc.

Maybe I’m seeming kind of like a princess, and maybe I am. But this gift, to me, was embedded with a lot of meaning. And as I said, I’ve been having a hard time. So it’s extra important right now for me to feel like Noel and I understand each other.

And then. Two medium boxes.

I knew that I shouldn’t feel this way, and I don’t recall ever acting this way about any gift in the history of my life, and yet here I was basically throwing a hissy fit in my 27th year.  The lack of a little box made me feel profoundly misunderstood. I tried to come to grips with it. I would survive. It just would have meant a lot.

When my huffing and puffing continued into the evening, Noel said, “I think you should open one of your presents now.”

No — couldn’t be!

He and I and Zoe sat in the middle of the living room together and started unwrapping his beautiful brown-paper wrapping job (I mean it — he decorated it really nicely with stamps).

My heart was beating fast. Inside the medium box was a medium bag filled with packing peanuts. Inside of that was a small bag, inside of which was a little metal box. Inside the metal box was another, nesting little box, and another, and then a small piece of tissue paper folded up.

Inside was this gift that meant so much to me.

I think… we’re going to be okay.

Katie Day 21: We baked! And it was really fun. And they’re tasty. And other people think so too. And that is all.